she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
