I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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