oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
