Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
