White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
