even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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