Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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