gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Randomize
