Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Sext me about skeletons
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
