he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
