I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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