When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
