I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
