u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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