As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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