woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
