I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
