My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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