I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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