I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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