she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
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