Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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