he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
