my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
