You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
