he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
