Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
