Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i think i have two assholes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
