I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
