It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
