dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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