If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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