So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
