You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
