the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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