im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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