it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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