i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
we should paint friendship bongs
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