I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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