Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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