He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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