Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
