K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
