Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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