"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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