my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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