You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
