i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
