I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the day after is always just damage control
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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