ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
